I just pynch a tree in the face
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
