You don't have asthma, your pregnant
Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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