Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
i need to put some appletini on your dick
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
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