I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
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I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
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So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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