I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
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