I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
