She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
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