Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
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