If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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