i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
