I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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