Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
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