Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
