the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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