got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
The cops high fived after they tackled you
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Randomize
