finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
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How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
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how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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