New invention idea: vibrating tampons
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
Randomize
