I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
Randomize
