I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
Even the bartender felt bad for me
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
