Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
Give me one reason I shouldn't put the phrase "sex emotions" into my essay.
No.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
Randomize
