I feel great
I just peed on a car
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Send help, water and tortillas.
I think weed is turning my hair brown
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
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