Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Randomize
