i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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