Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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