Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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