I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
REMEBER. We are young, horny, and poor. If someone wants to give us alcohol... TAKE. IT.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
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