It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
