I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
if three guys were standing in front of you and they differed only in the hairiness of the groin who would you choose: smooth as a baby's bottom, the grass lands or the amazon jungle?
i think you're getting too neurotic about why she won't touch you.
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
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