I wish my penis had an off switch
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
Randomize
