I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
The convent might be a nice break from real life
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
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