By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
he just referred to himself as the billy mays of his frat.. heres how to order
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
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