I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
I drew a nude short fat middle aged woman today and liked it
It was honestly one of my favorite days in art class except for the 20 min she faced me and kept looking at me and we made eye contact
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
