He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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