Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
Randomize
