my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
id fuck shawn from boy meets world only if we could name the baby topanga.
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
