Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
