True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
Hippo gnu deer
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
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