So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
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I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
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I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
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