After last night, I could never be a politician.
k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
