My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
so last night was fun and all.. but you might want to get tested
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
