Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
