I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Randomize
