If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
Randomize
