The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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