and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
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