she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Walk back down Church toward Mass Ave. Take a right and head for the guy in a kilt on top of the really tall unicycle. C u soon!
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
Randomize
