drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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