I like to think it a success when the cops are called
So she couldn't stop dragging her teeth while she was blowing me.
Ahh dude, that fucking sucks, what'd you do about it?
Decided to drag my teeth while eating her out... She got the point.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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