Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
Randomize
