ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
