i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
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