There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Randomize
