i think if you made a shrine it would be creepy
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
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