My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Ryan Reynolds porn could be a WMD. Have a giant TV on the front of your tank, and just drive around playing it. Everyone dies of orgasm overload.
That's it. Iraq is done. Everyone dies, game over man.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
When are your genitals available?
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
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