Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
Randomize
