So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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