really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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