you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Randomize
