I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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